Are you ready? You might want to get comfy... because this how I really feel. I feel like he didn't even care that I walked away. No big deal... the next one is all lined up so wow what a relief that Allie is finally gone. He wasn't even alittle bit upset that I told him I didn't want to see him anymore. What if it really is forever this time? And you just walked out while I cried. I hated doing it and you could see that I was hurting. You knew. I guess it's good that that's how it ended. I'd rather think you never cared, and that you were ready for it to be over. Maybe it's easier to just think that it was all a lie and you never really loved me in the first place. But I know that's not true. I won't let myself believe that I have been desperately grasping at something that isn't even real for the past four years. I refuse to let everything be a mistake. I know I loved you. And I know that you loved me. And I need to be ok with letting everything go. We learned alot. We laughed alot, we cried some, there was a little bit of yelling in the mix. But we made a good team when things were good. And now I've lost my best friend. That's why this is so painful. You know me better than anyone else. It's like part of me died. And now I'm mourning. But I can't decide if I'm mourning the loss of my friend, or the fact that I lost part of myself when I let you go. I'm the one that left, and I realize that. But I had to. And this is why... I wasn't as sure as you. You were so positive that we were going to get married and have our perfect little curly brown haired, blue eyed baby girl but I wasn't so sure. I had so many doubts. There was still so much about you, about me, about us that was unstable. So now I'm free of it. If Got brings something better, then great. But if it comes back to you... I can know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it's right. And not only is it right, but it's God. Don't get me wrong, I never doubted that I love you (note that I still do love you, that will never change), the only thing I doubted, was whether or not love was enough. Because sometimes you can love someone, you can be in love with them and it just isn't enough. So now where I am? Other than obviously completely broken. I'm right where God wants me. Totally dependent on Him. The only reason I get out of bed and have a smile on my face is because I'm finally where I should be with the Lord. Not perfect... who is? But I'm taking steps forward instead of backward and that is a nice change for me. I'm leaning on His peace and His joy simply to make it through the day. I spent and hour today bawling. But I think I needed that time to really mourn the loss of a relationship that meant so much to me. But it isn't just you that I lost. I lost your family that I love so much. I also lost that stupid dog. She's the prettiest thing I've ever seen and I miss her. I really did think of her as mine. Big mistake. It's the fact that I lost friends, and a church family, and my freakin hair dresser. And the only thing you lost was me. I guess part of me wanted that to be somewhat of a tragedy for you. But I say this and mean it... I want you to be happy. Even if that means I find out a week from now that you and her are dating, and have been since before we had our wonderful little chat. I really do want God's best for you, even if it isn't me. And I want God's best for myself, even if it isn't you... as hard as that is to swallow. So now I'm making changes. Drastic ones. I'm planing on finishing out the semester here, but if God decides I need to leave sooner, then I will. Yes, I'm leaving. I have to get out of this town. Everywhere I go is a memory. And that makes it all the harder. I'm going to Germany. That may seem drastic but you have to understand the level of heartache we are dealing with here. I need to go somewhere else. A place where no one knows that my heart is in pieces. I can start over. I can travel. Oh I want to travel more than anything. It's a desire that is burning more and more every single day. So off I go. To new things. To new experiences. I'll come back and I'll be a totally different person. You don't move overseas for 13 months and come back unchanged. That just isn't possible. I can't wait. The thought of leaving gives me something to look forward to. And that's a really good thing. If you read all of this I'm shocked and really how much time do you have on your hands? If you skipped to the bottom... good call I needed to vent. I think I finally got everything out. Now maybe I'll be able to sleep. I leave you with a song. A song that in everyway described exactly how I feel about my life right now. Boston - by Augustana In the light of the sun Is there anyone, ohh it has begun O dear you look so lost Eyes are red and tears are shed this world you must have crossed you said You don’t know me, and you don't even care You said you don't know me, and you don't wear my chains ooo yea Essential yet appealed Carry all your thoughts, across an open field When the flowers gaze at you they're not the only ones who cry when they see you You said you don't know me, and you don’t even care Well you said you don't know me, and you don't wear my chains She said I think I'm going to Boston I think I'll start a new life I think I'll start it over No one knows my name I'll get out of California I'm tired of the weather I think I'll get a lover I'll fly them out to Spain I think I'll go to Boston I think that I'm just tired I think I need a new town to leave this all behind I think I need a sun rise I'm tired of the sun set Here it's nice in the summer Some snow would be nice You don't know me And you don't even care In Boston! No one knows my name
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